tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7038863081475174486.post2149343376502908663..comments2023-10-28T11:20:55.062-04:00Comments on Ask Gay "Dr." Bill : Lover's Ex-Wife Won't Let GoWilliamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03053290865549099074noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7038863081475174486.post-18060272589312280172008-03-10T16:34:00.000-04:002008-03-10T16:34:00.000-04:00You are certainly in a difficult situation. You me...You are certainly in a difficult situation. You mention that your partner is getting therapy -- do you ever attend these sessions or have you considered couples counseling ("marriage" counseling in other words)? You need to be part of the whole process. He has to understand how this is all affecting you. I assume you've talked to him and have just not gotten through to him? <BR/><BR/>His concern that his children will "abandon" him is a bit senseless as they are all fully grown and at a point in their lives where most adult children do not really welcome parental interference. He's more likely to be "abandoned" by the fact that they're developing -- or on the verge of developing -- their own lives, relationships and even families. <BR/><BR/>It is also troubling that your partner has been divorced for 20 years and this stuff is still going on. It's good that he and his ex-wife presumably got along during the years when the children were growing up, but now they are adults. It would be much easier for the ex-wife to find a job elsewhere than for your partner to do so, yet she stays there, perhaps in a petty need to remain part of his life come hell or highwater. I have a feeling if you talked to her she'd only become defensive. <BR/><BR/>Guilt is a powerful and destructive emotion. Your partner has to realize that he's in danger of losing you. There's no reason he can't have a good relationship with his children and ex-wife, but there have to be boundaries set. <BR/><BR/>You've invested four years in this relationship and it isn't easy to let go. In addition you were brave enough to enter this relationship knowing there were emotional pulls from other people on your partner (but I assume you were not aware of the full extent of them). If he shows some sign of understanding the problem and has a clear willigness to try and fix it, that's one thing. If ultimately it looks as if nothing will ever change, then you might have to consider moving on. While it's not impossible for him to find a new relationship at 59, it will be much easier for you at 49. Make your partner understand that he will LOSE you if the situation continues as it has. <BR/><BR/>I hope things work out for you.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11792277745958053121noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7038863081475174486.post-36174929294027958442008-03-08T08:23:00.000-05:002008-03-08T08:23:00.000-05:00WOW! What a relief to know that I am not the only...WOW! What a relief to know that I am not the only gay man in the world who is experiencing this situation! My partner and I have been together for 4 years and the problem with the ex-wife had existed since day one. It has been 20 years since my partner and she have divorced, but she still has a "rein" on my partner. They are not affectionate and she admits she still "has her guard up", but that doesn't stop her from intruding in our lives. My partner does not think she is being intrusive, but I strongly disagree. Yes, I think my partner still feels guilty for leaving his ex and three children (ages 30/male/single, 28/female/married, 24/male/single) and he says that he feels they will abandon him if he doesn't cater to their every need. After many sessions of therapy (which hasn't helped my partner to see how his relationship with his ex affects me, I am beginning to think it would be best if we dissolved the relationship (which his ex and children would love, even though they say that they like me). His ex and children managed to cause friction and break-up my partner's previous 10-year relationship and I feel they are trying to do it again. In case you are wondering, his ex is not in a relationship. And to make matters worse, my partner is his ex-wife's Supervisor at their place of employment. My partner is Doctor/Chief of Staff (age 59, his ex, a Physician's Assistant (age 59) and I am 49.<BR/><BR/>Any other websites, literature, or support groups pertaining to this subject would be greatly appreciated.Michaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05613652438728186660noreply@blogger.com