Some years ago I had the opportunity to fist a really sweet guy during a one night stand. It was awesome. More recently, I had a fuck buddy who was into leather and showed fisting videos while we were having hot sex. The leather and the fisting porn really got me hot. I am interested in both top and bottom fisting. How do I initiate myself into the nyc fisting scene? Anon.
Just for those who are new to "fist-fucking" or fisting, it is a type of anal sex in which a hand is used for penetration instead of a penis or dildo. One doesn't actually make a fist, but gathers their fingers into a kind of beak, I'm told.
Sometimes people approach me in bars thinking I am into fisting because of my shaved head look and so on. I'm not into the scene. I've heard that it can be dangerous if not carefully practiced, but I'm definitely not judging those who are into it. Different strokes! [I've also been told that fisting is not strictly a gay practice.]
As for the New York fisting scene, you could approach people in places like the Eagle on 28th Street and see if anyone can give you this information. Or you can go directly to the web sites of such leather/fetish groups for men such as Iron Guard BC [Brotherhood Club] and Gay Male S/M Activists. I would suggest using their contact emails to get the information you're looking for. At the very least they should be able to direct you to people who can guide you in the direction you want to go. I'm sure you can get hlepful advice from members of the leather/fetish/kink community.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Sleepytime Oral Sex
I always read your blog and have once before asked you a question. . . which by the way was very helpful. [Thank you -- Bill]. Here's my new question for you:
For the past two years now I have been seeing a guy that I am very much in love with. Our relationship is going great and our sex life is well; since meeting him I feel like I am discovering sex for the first time. (I was married before to a woman for ten years; she was a great woman but sex never thrilled me). Anyway the other day I was talking to a friend of mine (he is gay also) and the topic came around to sex. I mentioned that we have the hot and heavy times but then we also have times where I just go down on him and I have literally spent 3-4 hours [wow!] just snuggled between his legs giving him oral pleasure. There have been times we both get so relaxed we have fallen asleep. Even at times I have woken up and his penis is in my mouth so I just continue. He enjoys this. I enjoy it. These times are very fulfilling to us. My friend was shocked saying that it was weird that I would do this. I thought he was actually kidding me but the conversation ended quickly with him leaving angry. I guess what I am wondering is . . . Is what I do with my partner so uncommon among gay couples? Or is this friend just way out there. It's not like this is all we do. We have the quickies and the bang sessions it's just these other times just seem so nice and relaxed. Is gay sex just meant to be focused on one thing and it's over? Your thought please. T.
Falling asleep during sex certainly isn't uncommon, especially if one or both partners is exhausted, up way past their bedtime, or -- in some cases -- has been partying a little too much. Or simply because, as you put it, they're very relaxed and comfortable. Guys often fall asleep because they've had too much to drink, but this isn't always the case. And in the situation you describe it's certainly not uncommon that two lovers who are very comfortable with each other might fall asleep in each other's arms, or even in the middle of some oral sex.
If your lover isn't angry that you fall asleep [I can imagine some guys getting insulted, saying that sex with them must bore you if you go to sleep], then I don't understand why your friend is ticked off, especially as you've told him that you have the usual hot sessions where both you and your guy are wide awake. It's perfectly acceptable for a gay sex session to consist primarily or exclusively of one guy giving head to the other. I mean, if both men are enjoying it, what's the problem?
I think your friend's problem is that he has a limited notion of what constitutes good sex. For him, he may be bored in the bedroom unless there's anal interplay or something he finds more exciting. Why he gets angry is perplexing. Some people want you to agree absolutely with them or they get ticked off.
Or maybe he's just upset that your boyfriend has a lover who will suck his dick for four hours and he doesn't!
For the past two years now I have been seeing a guy that I am very much in love with. Our relationship is going great and our sex life is well; since meeting him I feel like I am discovering sex for the first time. (I was married before to a woman for ten years; she was a great woman but sex never thrilled me). Anyway the other day I was talking to a friend of mine (he is gay also) and the topic came around to sex. I mentioned that we have the hot and heavy times but then we also have times where I just go down on him and I have literally spent 3-4 hours [wow!] just snuggled between his legs giving him oral pleasure. There have been times we both get so relaxed we have fallen asleep. Even at times I have woken up and his penis is in my mouth so I just continue. He enjoys this. I enjoy it. These times are very fulfilling to us. My friend was shocked saying that it was weird that I would do this. I thought he was actually kidding me but the conversation ended quickly with him leaving angry. I guess what I am wondering is . . . Is what I do with my partner so uncommon among gay couples? Or is this friend just way out there. It's not like this is all we do. We have the quickies and the bang sessions it's just these other times just seem so nice and relaxed. Is gay sex just meant to be focused on one thing and it's over? Your thought please. T.
Falling asleep during sex certainly isn't uncommon, especially if one or both partners is exhausted, up way past their bedtime, or -- in some cases -- has been partying a little too much. Or simply because, as you put it, they're very relaxed and comfortable. Guys often fall asleep because they've had too much to drink, but this isn't always the case. And in the situation you describe it's certainly not uncommon that two lovers who are very comfortable with each other might fall asleep in each other's arms, or even in the middle of some oral sex.
If your lover isn't angry that you fall asleep [I can imagine some guys getting insulted, saying that sex with them must bore you if you go to sleep], then I don't understand why your friend is ticked off, especially as you've told him that you have the usual hot sessions where both you and your guy are wide awake. It's perfectly acceptable for a gay sex session to consist primarily or exclusively of one guy giving head to the other. I mean, if both men are enjoying it, what's the problem?
I think your friend's problem is that he has a limited notion of what constitutes good sex. For him, he may be bored in the bedroom unless there's anal interplay or something he finds more exciting. Why he gets angry is perplexing. Some people want you to agree absolutely with them or they get ticked off.
Or maybe he's just upset that your boyfriend has a lover who will suck his dick for four hours and he doesn't!
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
I know you place tremendous value on your time so I'll be brief. I am an Iraq war veteran and I would like to submit the following article for you to use on your website so that people can hear a real veteran's view of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and we can help spread the word.
best, Michael
Why not? Here's the piece:
Don’t Ask…Ahh…Too Late
"My name is Michael Anthony, I am an Iraq war veteran and having spent six years in the Army, at the age of twenty-three, I have spent more than a quarter of my life in service to this country. I have four older brothers and an older sister, all of whom have been in the military: Air Force, Marines and Army. My father and both my grandfathers were in the military.
Hailing originally for a small sheltered town just south of Boston Massachusetts, I say this in all earnestness: the only gay people I know have all been in the military. This is not a joke or some talking point, it’s literal. Generals, Commanders and Civilians can talk all they want, but the fact of the matter is, the only gay friends I've had have all been in the military, in fact, my only experience of gay people (outside of the military) is when I once watched an episode of the TV show Will and Grace (it was kind of funny). [Watching Will and Grace is not "experiencing" gay people, but rather dumb caricatures of gay people -- interjection from Dr. Bill.]
For the policy known as DADT, there is one thing people often forget. People forget that the policy doesn’t preclude gay people from entering the military it just precludes them from talking about their homosexuality. In short, someone can be gay in the military; they just can’t talk about being gay in the military.
If people are already in the military and gay—from my former unit alone I know close to a dozen—what is it that people are afraid will happen with the repeal of DADT? Are people afraid that the day after DADT is rescinded gay soldiers are going to walk in wearing a feather boa and buttless fatigues? [Incredibly, there are people who are opposed to gay men in the military because they actually believe every gay man is a "swishy" stereotype whose wrist is too limp to lift a weapon.] The uniform policy will still be in effect so we can cross that option out. Are people afraid that it’s going to hurt troop morale? The Military suicide rate is at a thirty year high having consistently risen for the past five years, with eighteen veterans killing themselves everyday (according to the VA) so it seems like it can’t get any worse.
With everything said, there is a negative aspect to repealing DADT [at least for straight guys.] Having been in the military all my adult years, my peer group is filled with Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans. Several of these war veterans having done two or three tours, have sworn that they will never go back to Iraq or Afghanistan. Upon further questioning on how they plan to get out deployment if called, their answer is simple: “don’t ask, don’t tell;” expounding further, they say that if they’re called up, they will simply kiss a member of the same sex—in front of their commander. So how is repealing DADT going to affect the military? The answer is simple…my friends who jokingly suggested using DADT as a way to get out of a deployment are now stuck going to Iraq or Afghanistan. [Well ... a kiss is just a kiss. Maybe all-out making out with another guy in front of the commander might get them bounced out of the Army -- but then they're probably gay to begin with!]
And please don’t even get me started on the escapades that go on overseas. But hey, what happens in Iraq stays in Iraq…ahh not quite." [Well, you've got the subject for your next book.]
Michael Anthony is the author of MASS CASUALTIES: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Deception and Dishonor in Iraq (Adams Media, October 2009). The book is drawn from the personal journals of Anthony during the 1st year he spent serving in Iraq. It is a non-partisan look at some of the escapades that go on behind the scenes in Iraq.
The book has gotten some very good reviews.
Thanks for your input, Michael. It's interesting that I have met gay men who are opposed to repealing DADT -- or at least don't want gay men in the Army -- because they don't want gay men to be sucked into or used by the "military-industrial complex" the way, in their opinion, straight guys are. For political reasons they don't see being in the military as a worthy goal. While I understand their viewpoint, I am in favor of repealing DADT. It's another step toward acceptance, and to reminding the world of the diversity of the gay community. I'm not saying I would have ever wanted a career in the military, but it certainly should be an option to openly gay men who are interested in it.
best, Michael
Why not? Here's the piece:
Don’t Ask…Ahh…Too Late
"My name is Michael Anthony, I am an Iraq war veteran and having spent six years in the Army, at the age of twenty-three, I have spent more than a quarter of my life in service to this country. I have four older brothers and an older sister, all of whom have been in the military: Air Force, Marines and Army. My father and both my grandfathers were in the military.
Hailing originally for a small sheltered town just south of Boston Massachusetts, I say this in all earnestness: the only gay people I know have all been in the military. This is not a joke or some talking point, it’s literal. Generals, Commanders and Civilians can talk all they want, but the fact of the matter is, the only gay friends I've had have all been in the military, in fact, my only experience of gay people (outside of the military) is when I once watched an episode of the TV show Will and Grace (it was kind of funny). [Watching Will and Grace is not "experiencing" gay people, but rather dumb caricatures of gay people -- interjection from Dr. Bill.]
For the policy known as DADT, there is one thing people often forget. People forget that the policy doesn’t preclude gay people from entering the military it just precludes them from talking about their homosexuality. In short, someone can be gay in the military; they just can’t talk about being gay in the military.
If people are already in the military and gay—from my former unit alone I know close to a dozen—what is it that people are afraid will happen with the repeal of DADT? Are people afraid that the day after DADT is rescinded gay soldiers are going to walk in wearing a feather boa and buttless fatigues? [Incredibly, there are people who are opposed to gay men in the military because they actually believe every gay man is a "swishy" stereotype whose wrist is too limp to lift a weapon.] The uniform policy will still be in effect so we can cross that option out. Are people afraid that it’s going to hurt troop morale? The Military suicide rate is at a thirty year high having consistently risen for the past five years, with eighteen veterans killing themselves everyday (according to the VA) so it seems like it can’t get any worse.
With everything said, there is a negative aspect to repealing DADT [at least for straight guys.] Having been in the military all my adult years, my peer group is filled with Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans. Several of these war veterans having done two or three tours, have sworn that they will never go back to Iraq or Afghanistan. Upon further questioning on how they plan to get out deployment if called, their answer is simple: “don’t ask, don’t tell;” expounding further, they say that if they’re called up, they will simply kiss a member of the same sex—in front of their commander. So how is repealing DADT going to affect the military? The answer is simple…my friends who jokingly suggested using DADT as a way to get out of a deployment are now stuck going to Iraq or Afghanistan. [Well ... a kiss is just a kiss. Maybe all-out making out with another guy in front of the commander might get them bounced out of the Army -- but then they're probably gay to begin with!]
And please don’t even get me started on the escapades that go on overseas. But hey, what happens in Iraq stays in Iraq…ahh not quite." [Well, you've got the subject for your next book.]
Michael Anthony is the author of MASS CASUALTIES: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Deception and Dishonor in Iraq (Adams Media, October 2009). The book is drawn from the personal journals of Anthony during the 1st year he spent serving in Iraq. It is a non-partisan look at some of the escapades that go on behind the scenes in Iraq.
The book has gotten some very good reviews.
Thanks for your input, Michael. It's interesting that I have met gay men who are opposed to repealing DADT -- or at least don't want gay men in the Army -- because they don't want gay men to be sucked into or used by the "military-industrial complex" the way, in their opinion, straight guys are. For political reasons they don't see being in the military as a worthy goal. While I understand their viewpoint, I am in favor of repealing DADT. It's another step toward acceptance, and to reminding the world of the diversity of the gay community. I'm not saying I would have ever wanted a career in the military, but it certainly should be an option to openly gay men who are interested in it.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Trendsetter?
Ok, Dr Bill, this is an admittedly loaded question and maybe a little off-topic but I believe you are a very fashionable trendsetter. What I'm asking is: have you noticed that, in "From Paris with Love," John Travolta has completely stolen your look? What do you make of that?
Well, I think Travolta [pictured] has never looked better! [For the record, I started shaving my head completely after the photos for this blog were taken]. But the last thing I am is a "fashionable trendsetter," although I appreciate the compliment.
I love the "cueball" look. [Although one fellow somewhat grumpily told me that the term cueball can only be used for guys with smooth faces, not mustaches, beards, or goatees. I don't care. I still call this the "cueball" look.]
What I find bizarre is that this look is now being affected even by guys who aren't losing, or haven't lost, their hair. I see cueballs in their twenties, for crying out loud! Why shave your head when you've got a full head of hair? Although, like I say, I do admire a shaved head!
Now the question is -- is this a "gay" look or not? The shaved head became popular with Yul Brynner, or at least he was the first celebrity to sport one. Brynner, to my knowledge, was not gay, however. Did gay men take up the banner for this look first, or was it just edgier guys, gay and straight?
Opinions, anyone?
Worse than a Homophobe?
I received this comment for my post Why Gay Men Marry Women. Since it's quite long and raises some interesting questions, I decided I would answer it on a new post. The comments are in italics, my interjections are in bold, and I"ll wrap things up at the end.
From "rick lee y:"
It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.
You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.
Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.
But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.
As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.
I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?
[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]
I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.
I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.
From "rick lee y:"
It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.
You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.
Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.
But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.
As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.
I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?
[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]
I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.
I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.
Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.
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